Okay, I’m 31 years old, single as fuck, no kids and a dog. I live in Los Angeles, CA and I have a successful business, wonderful friends and Instagram always compliments me on my looks so let’s just say I ain’t bad lookin’. I have high confidence in myself, I’m not a psycho, I make the best choices I can, in bed by 9pm most nights and I mind my damn business. So lots of people inquire why I’m single. I’m not shocked when they scratch their heads and say, “I don’t understand why you’re single.”
Well, I’ll answer that, but after I give you my answer, I’m gon’ give you a few tips I learned from being single for the past year. Believe it or not, I haven’t really ever been single this long, so I took a dive off of the diving board and straight into this single life with no guide, but lots of protection.
I’m single because I’m absolutely terrified of dating again. After my very public relationship, I found myself in a deep depression. I felt like the lowest scum on this earth and to top it all off, I even had the pleasure of meeting most of the women who joined my relationship without me knowing. These women would send me messages explaining what my ex had done to them while him and I were still together. They would go into detail and after all of it, they would offer me kind words and let me know that it was okay to be without him because he was a terrible person. I’ve even had girls cry in my face about girl power while they were still conversing with him (but of course I found that out on the back end as well).
Now, after that shitshow, I felt this pull in my spirit telling me to really take a break from this shit because if I didn’t I would run the risk of having an epic Britney Spears moment wondering what I kept doing wrong in my relationships. It took me until I got comfortable in my singledom to realize that these lovely and amazing assholes were my main problem. I chose the same guy over and over. I kept choosing the broken one who didn’t want to be fixed. He knew how to mimic perfection, paint a picture, have great sex and smile pretty.
The way I describe being single after being a serial dater is going to the gym and breaking your boundaries. I noticed recently that my shins hurt everytime I would sprint or run. Instead of making that an excuse and instead of stopping so I wouldn’t potentially cause shin splints, I pushed past the pain and kept running. I was so uncomfortable, I was in pain, I wanted to stop and go back to what felt comfortable, but then it stopped hurting. My body got used to the feeling and it was easier to keep going. I ran and I ran until I just couldn’t go anymore.
Being single is not a fucking death sentence.
This is how I survived my first year of singledom.
#1: I got spiritual. I listened to mediation music during my slumber, lit incense, smoked some weed, lit some sage and so on and so forth. I knew that I was going to spend lots of time by myself so I wanted to make it peaceful, happy and relaxing. Still until this day, I have the same routine. I want my energy to feel happy and I want to be someone who people have an enjoyable experience with when they’re around me. Most people that come to my house have that same relaxing, home feeling and that makes me proud. I also spent a lot of time praying to God and speaking to Him about my solitude. I wanted Him to be apart of my healing so I included him in my “meditations” (I always fall asleep) and I talk to Him like He’s laying right next to me. I told Him how I felt and in my lowest moments, I began to feel a weight being lifted off of me. There’s no greater feeling.
#2: I got me some friends. Now, this is tough for me because I’m very careful about the energies I let into my life, however, I found it useful to see what life is like for others. I started to really get out of my comfort zone and started saying “YES” to people who invited me places. Because of this, I started seeing new places, hearing new sounds and trying new foods. I started being open to viewing how all walks of life live their lives. I’m not saying that every experience was amazing, but this is also how I ended up in Thailand for 9 days and also how I ended up doing a spiritual cleanse in Bali.
#3: I started doing things without attachments. I rarely wait for other people these days. If I want to do something, I extend the invite and if nobody can go, I go alone. Recently, I booked a trip to Jamaica solo because nobody could go with me and I had been attempting to go for a few years now. Am I nervous? Not really. I was blessed with the funds to go see a place that I really want to see and I’m very excited. I learned that doing things alone might be frightening at first, but also we have to realize that we’re not alone in this world. There’s a human almost everywhere you go and most aren’t psychos and they’re able to hold a conversation. Hell, they may even be your soulmate.
#4: I go on dates. This is very rare because, LORD, men in Los Angeles have a gotdamn complex for the most part. Nobody wants to really date and there is a long list of excuses which are valid and very understandable. Neither here nor there, I’m from Texas and I love to be courted. However, most men here would prefer you come to their house so they can just fuck you and maybe think about seeing you outside of the house. Ew. Anywho, the last date I went on, I offered to pay (as a test) and the ni**a actually let me. That one was totally my fault. I don’t mind paying for anything, mind you, but I get turned off very easily if a man doesn’t court me and then wants to feel up on me. NO SIR. Okay, so we all know there are horror stories around dating, but get out there and date. It could be fun, it could be terrible, but you should get dressed up and feel beautiful nonetheless. That’s harmless.
#5: Entertain the idea of a cutty buddy. I’ve had my guard up with most guys in the sex department because I just didn’t want any new d*ck for a while. I would backtrack and step back into the old d*ck I used to have until I realized that I actually started liking them again. Then I trained myself to have a roster (which is maaaaaaaaaaaddddd empty right now). Your sex life is your business, sis, but I do want to throw out the fact that these ni**as are dirty and so are the females they mess with so let’s all just be safe here. My suggestion would be to buy condoms to keep at your house or with you. If they complain about condoms, get thin condoms. If they complain about those, have a serious talk with about the two of you only having sex with eachother.
#6: Get you a roster. Think of a roster as having one guy in multiple men. You have the guy you text, the guy you go on dates with, the one you invite places, the one you have sex with, the one you get intellectual with, etc… The older folks call this not putting all your eggs in one basket. Afterall, you are single and nobody is the boss of you.
Now, I think it’s super important to remember that you are not an extension of someone else. You are whole and complete on your own. A lot of times, women get sad by themselves because they feel that they should have a partner and that they are missing something. I think filling this void with things you love and things that make you happy will cure everything. Remember that you are beautiful and you can do all things that you put your mind to. I don’t know if Mr. Right will even come along for me, but I do know that I am grateful for my own life and I am taking every single day as it comes with an open heart and grateful heart.
Good luck & you’re doing amazing sweetie.