After The Break-Up.

I interviewed a few friends of mine who have experienced a break up with a person that meant a lot to them. Some have children, some do not, some are younger, some are older… I used to get tons of questions about how to deal with breakups, and I was only able to give my point of view, but I thought now would be the time to reach out to other woman who differ from me.

Breaking up is not easy. Sometimes it makes you feel lonely or it may be a big sigh of relief! No relationship is perfect, but I believe that when it’s time to let it go, it’s time to release the bad juju and step into the light! After all, we only have one life to live and we don’t want to waste it arguing with another human being, right?

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Name: Monesha McFarland
Age: 28
Location: Houston, TX
Occupation: Municipal Representative for Republic Services
______________________________________________________________
How was the first day waking up when you realized that it was over?
◦ Waking up that first day and realizing it was over I’m not going to lie was a little strange. You go from waking up to this person everyday for 8 years to not waking up to them at all. But somehow I felt a sense of peace and by peace waking up knowing that a necessary decision was made .
How long were you two together?
◦ We dated four years and married for 4 years so a combined 8 years with one another.
Did you picture a marriage with this person?
◦ We did get married after 4 years of being together!
Why was the relationship ended?
◦ The relationship was ended on a few things, I’ll express a few! In any relationship we all know communication is the biggest factor ! In the beginning we were literally each other’s best friend and talked about everything I had just turned 21 and he was four years older than me (I thought I was cool all my friends were dating guys their age) Here’s where age and maturity play a factor! At the time it was ok but then through our relationship I started growing I started getting older I started to see life a little differently. Not that he didn’t but I felt like I started to outgrow it. We had our son 3 years into it so here’s another part of life where I had to grow up become because now I am a mother and caregiver at all times. 1 year later we get married and now I’m on full mommy and wife mode while he’s just “being the man” We began not to communicate as much not to be each other’s best friend and that happiness was gone. Then the infidelity began on his part and I began finding interest in other things back hanging with my “single friends” because I felt happier with them than my own husband. But once I saw infidelity on this last occasion after us saying I do I just lost it my heart was broken I felt betrayed I even felt like our intimacy was given to someone else and while trying to repair it we just couldn’t. I don’t want to be one sided in anyway because I was not perfect but I was perfect as I could be on making sure that my husband had a meal , intimacy , a good mother to out first child and the list could go on. My last part on this is when you have the chance to fix it if it can be fixed don’t wait .. you may wait and one of the people in the relationship may already be so far gone that it’s truly too late. I outgrew our relationship that I truly thought would be forever and just because he was older than me I came to realize I was more mature than him. More mature in a sense that I am not going to settle when I’m giving you my 110% but I’m getting about 80% that just wasn’t going to be my forever.
How old are you?
◦ I am 28 years old .
Do you have kids? Want kids?
◦ Yes, I have a handsome 4 year old and one day would like to have One more.
Do you feel that your age is a big factor in choosing a partner? (Do you want to choose one to get your life moving by the standards of society?)
◦ I truly do not feel like age is a big factor to me simply because everyone matures differently. If you put an age on being in a relationship with someone you could miss that person that might just truly be for you! When it comes to the standards of society and my partner that would NEVER even be a factor. Both my partner and I should live by our standards and what works for us the standards of society change all of the time but in a relationship that’s not what it should be based around . Although our society today sees all the “social media ” relationships and want to say “life goals” we don’t know what he/she had to go through to get there!
Are you happier without your significant other? If so, why?
◦ To be completely honest I am . I feel like a person that you are in a relationship/marriage with can dictate basically your whole life. Your mood is their mood and vice versa . Everyone wants this happy picture to be painted all the time but that just isn’t how it always works. We made each other happy obviously and some point being together that long ,but when one person is the only one trying it’s not easy to Maintain that same happiness alone. I feel like in life every human being deserves to be happy and not one person or thing Should be able to take that from them and if it does please let that person or thing go!!!!
What advice would you give someone who is having a hard time moving on?
◦ To anyone having a hard time moving on there is always hope. That particular relationship may not have worked out but when the time is truly right there is someone out there that’s truly made for you. I have a few good examples around me and my mom being one of them I look at the way my Dad treats her and that gives me more hope than anything. Also I’d tell them don’t go seeking let it happen naturally let it be when you are least expected. I’m a strong believer in life after break ups yes it can be tough but the next time around you’ll know what you want to put up with and you don’t want to put up with. Life and experiences are learning ones both good and bad and relationships being at the top of the list.
What’s one thing that you can do now that you couldn’t do when you were with your partner?
◦ I can do things in confidence such as making decisions for myself and not have to doubt myself. When I say doubt myself meaning not having To worry about “Will he approve?” Or ” Will this be good enough?” The biggest one ” Will he even appreciate it?” It may seem minor but in a relationship those are some of the things that come up. I’m truly walking in confidence these days when it comes to just about everything!
You wake up alone the morning after your break up, what now?
◦ The morning I woke up alone made it more real that I had finally become strong enough to leave and stand on my own two feet. Being with my partner for that many years and towards the end some mornings I already felt like I was waking up alone and he’s there right next to Me. We just shouldn’t ever give anyone that much power (I know easier said than done right ?) Now I will continue on my God given journey to be the best mom I can be to my son and continue to launch and brand my business. One day Mr. Right will come along but until then I’m enjoying this peace of mind and state of true happiness I am in with getting back to me.

 

Name: Anonymous
Age:29
Location:Los Angeles, CA
Occupation:Self-Employed
_________________________________________________________________
How was the first day waking up when you realized that it was over?
I was in disbelief. I thought it was a dream.
How long did you feel the negative affects of your separation?
It took me a few days to believe it and about 2 weeks to come to terms with it and be ready to move on.
How long were you two together?
2 years
Did you picture a marriage with this person?
I did and didn’t. I wanted to marry him but knew in the back of my mind it wouldn’t work. I knew it would be hard work and I may regret it but I was still continuing the journey hoping things would change.
Why was the relationship ended?
He didn’t trust me, thought I cheated on him and broke up with me. In the end he said that if we continued, I would have to deal him with not trusting me and not believing anything I said. So I ended it from there.
How old are you?
29
Do you have kids? Want kids?
No and Yes
Do you feel that your age is a big factor in choosing a partner? (Do you want to choose one to get your life moving by the standards of society?)
Yes. I feel rushed to find a partner because I want a family but at this point I don’t want to marry someone and be unhappy for the rest of my life. God will decide when the time and person is right.
Are you happier without your significant other? If so, why?
Yes very much. I felt like I could never reach my potential with him. He was extremely negative and thats never productive to be around. Everything was about him and proving something to him. It was tiring.
What advice would you give someone who is having a hard time moving on?
Give it time to be without him.  I think women run back or stay because they’re lonely. Time heals all wounds. I would suggest thinking about the man that you think you deserve. How will God send him to you if you’re already occupying that space with someone who isn’t good for you? You’re blocking your blessings.
What’s one thing that you can do now that you couldn’t do when you were with your partner?
Live my life! I always felt like I couldn’t do anything without making him feel uncomfortable. Even if I was with my friends , I felt like I needed to get home quickly so I could be a good girlfriend. I can do whatever I want. I can leave for London tomorrow . I feel free.
You wake up alone the morning after your break up, what now?
Pray for strength to give yourself time to heal. You will. Theres always a blessing around the corner.

 

img_7114Name: Courtney Brand
Age:26
Location:Houston, TX
Occupation:PR Professional/Blogger
How was the first day waking up when you realized that it was over?
Unreal. Pretty disastrous, actually. My relationship had ended the night before and I was still unaware if it was seriously the end or just a bad fight. But I woke up to the few hours of sleep I was able to actually get to no call, and no text message. When people say they’re love sick, it’s a real thing. I laid in the dark for a few days. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I didn’t cry much, unless I was trying to explain the situation to someone else. But it was a very quiet pain.

How long did you feel the negative affects of your separation?

How long was I hurt? At least two years. Probably closer to three. I forced myself to move on from him and with my life, but I thought about him daily for a long time. I couldn’t truly wrap my mind around the fact that we weren’t together, and didn’t know why. Along with the negative effects, a lot of good came from it as well. It forced me to step outside of my comfort zones. It gave me the time alone to figure out what my passions were and how to tap into them, and it also allowed me the harsh realities of looking within and recognizing my flaws.

How long were you two together?

A year and a half
Did you picture a marriage with this person?
From the very beginning. I’ve only been in two relationships my entire life and I don’t commit unless I feel that person is “the one”. We had a one-of-a-kind magnetic connection that’s still unmatched ’til this day. It wasn’t a connection you stumble upon. It was the kind of connection people search lifetimes for, then write about it when they find it. There was nothing to question when being with him, we just fit. He was my person and if I would’ve had to guess back then, he was the one.
Why was the relationship ended?
It’s still unclear, to be honest. The break-up was a result of an out of control argument over something tiny. We had simply hit our tipping point. We had our issues like every couple but I didn’t think they’d lead to a break-up. Realistically, looking back I now know we both had a ton of growing to do individually and at some point, we would’ve had to go our separate ways to achieve that.
How old are you?
26… 27 in a few days. Please send all monetary gifts to courtney.e.brand@gmail.com
Do you have kids? Want kids?
I don’t have children and am not inclined to at this point. I’m sure once I’m married and settled down I’d be happy to birth my man’s baby!
Do you feel that your age is a big factor in choosing a partner? (Do you want to choose one to get your life moving by the standards of society?)

Absolutely. While I don’t believe love has an age, I do believe that the better you know yourself, the easier it is to love someone else purely and unconditionally. Some things become better with age, that’s one of them. You don’t know yourself well enough, in my opinion, at 23, 24, hell even 25 to know what you want, where you’re headed and who will be the best person to be on that journey with you.

Are you happier without your significant other? If so, why?
I’m not happier, or unhappy without him. My happiness is solely dependent upon myself. I will say, that there is a peace of mind with being alone that I didn’t have with a significant other. I feel, for lack of better words, a lot of freedom from the detachment of needing his love, his acceptance or even hearing from him. Ironically, I’m traveling to Cuba while answering these questions and the wi-fi will be extremely limited. Had this been me in my relationship, my comfortability would’ve been surrounded by needing to hear from him. I would’ve had a rough day had he not checked on me, or had I not been able to contact him when I had the chance with wi-fi. Now…. CHILD PLEASE! I’m headed to Cuba and don’t need to hear from anyone. I enjoy everything much more genuinely since letting that go.
What advice would you give someone who is having a hard time moving on?
I struggled with this. I especially felt as if it was incredibly difficult for me to let it go, while I assumed it was a cake walk for him. I started by accepting it. Saying to myself “okay, y’all aren’t going to be together. Now what will your life be?”. That was enough motivation for me to make the best out of each day. I wanted a good life badly, for myself. With or without him.
What’s one thing that you can do now that you couldn’t do when you were with your partner?
Nothing. I do everything I want to do and always have. That’s one thing a man will never do. Tell me what I can and can’t do. Are you my boyfriend, or my father? Sit down sir.
You wake up alone the morning after your break up, what now?
We lived separately, so I woke up alone often. Thank God for that. In relationships, it’s so important that women maintain a certain amount of independence outside of their partner. I had my own friends, my own goals, my own hobbies outside of him – so I tapped into those even further. I did what I always did, went to school, went to work, read a ton of books and devoted to bettering myself all around. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. When it happened, I couldn’t understand it, now it makes great sense. I grew so much because of it and absolutely love the woman I am now.

After a break up, life doesn’t have to stop. Make sure you find love within yourself to help you throughout losing love within another person. XO.

Chriss.

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