There’s a feeling that I get sometimes where my insides feel like they turn really dark and I just sit there in that feeling until it passes. I don’t like that feeling and I choose not to live in that feeling no matter what happens to me. For most other people, this feeling is called “HATE”.

I love to love.

I love to be happy.

I love to be positive. 

Unfortunately, some people let their curiosity and evil hearts get the best of them. It’s understandable though because most people can’t connect their emotion to your own if they did not go through what you went through. I say all that to say a few things…

Let’s set the record straight about my break up.

If you ask me who caused the break up, I would say him. My friends and family know this to be true. Unfortunately, some people are in a state of covering up their tracks. They are smooth talkers, weasels, master manipulators and so on and so forth. This means that they say whatever they need to say to clear their own names.

This morning someone sent me a snapchat and said, “We heard you cheated on J******.”

First of all, BLOCK!!!!! Secondly, who is “we”? Thirdly, I am not a cheater, never have been and never will be. Nobody cheated on anybody (as far as I know).

During the week of my quick relocation, I had multiple people bring up the below things that made me cringe:

  • The fact that I wasn’t wearing my engagement ring
  • I had been in Los Angeles way too long
  • I needed to work out my problems with @********** (yes they mentioned him in the comment)

I even had a girl tell me she wouldn’t support my business anymore if I didn’t get my act together and return to my “husband”. BITCH!!!!!!!

My story will only be told to people who care to listen and apply it. Everyone else is just processing it and determining their own opinion of me. My relationship of course had great times but it also had the worst times of my life. Nothing is perfect and as long as we try we can get a gold star after it’s all over.

I dealt with a lot of stuff during that relationship.

I had to deal with verbal abuse (including false accusations, demeaning comments, false support, manipulation, etc) from someone who was very angry with his own life AND I had to deal with this from his immediate family, too!

Among many other issues, I had to often figure out how to deal with his

  • aggression
  • insecurity
  • immaturity
  • trust issues
  • controlling ways
  • jealousy (not only with men but with friends and family)

I had no room to focus on myself because his career “brought in the most money“.

Anyone who was from my side of the bargain was basically under a microscope until they said and did everything that pleased him. Otherwise, they weren’t liked or invited to be in his presence. This included my mother, sister, multiple friends and some other family members.

I spent a lot of time in denial and just in a state of hoping things would get better, however, it all got worse. Sadly, verbal and emotional abuse turned into physical abuse. I left the very next day with anything I could take. Everything else stayed.

Physical abuse is never okay. DO NOT STAY AND THINK IT WILL GET BETTER. IT WON’T!!!!!

I had to mask every emotion I could in order to walk away like I did. I don’t want to be pitied, I don’t want to look weak, I don’t want to look fragile. I walked away and I never looked back because it’s simple… I love me more than him. I needed to protect myself. 

Many women are looked down upon when they finally stand up for themselves after abuse (Evelyn Lozada, Karrueche and a plethora of women we do and don’t know). I had people telling me I could work through it, it was a small issue, we can move past anything, etc… NO. It only took one time for me.

I hope there’s a girl out there reading this who will finally walk away after reading this. It’s not worth it. God is love. Love is not hate. THE BELOW PASSAGE IS TRUE. God loves you. Humans can’t love you like He can. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

I pray for healing for all.

Love,

Chriss